A prayer for ‘J’

***SPOILER ALERT: This article refers to events of my book*** (Check out AYAHUASCA! – Terror and Miracles in the Peruvian Amazon before reading-on!)

So in ‘AYAHUASCA!’ I described encountering the great spirit of Mother Ayahuasca and having a very important dialogue with Her. It began with a flashing review of my entire life, before moving-on to the reasons She had appeared. But it didn’t exactly happen as it reads in the book. In fact, there was a bit of an interruption in my life-review, which I removed because it very awkwardly sidetracked the story, in an already confusing situation. I share that missing scene here, for anyone who cares to know.



It was at this time that the flashing review of my life reached its last stretch, in the previous year’s string of ‘coincidence-overload moments’ that had led me to Peru and into Her hands. There, the flow of the entire show hit a significant snag when a familiar face appeared … It brought up some very sore wounds-of-the-heart that were still bleeding and had me tied up in knots. I’d recently experienced a turbulent love, the first real love of my life actually, which some months before had been forced to end for the sake of us both. This person too had been an integral part of my path, and the most beautiful, beautiful friend.

Let’s call this person J—.

The flow of a cosmically important conversation Mother Ayahuasca was trying to have with me struck a deadlock at J—. Once that face appeared, I could feel forces trying to pull me beyond it but I was stuck. J— was a huge snag, a bundle of emotions so complex that I always lost myself in it like a labyrinth. I just couldn’t move beyond without trying to untangle the knot! So finally, Mother’s gripping influence temporary released me with a clear message: “Deal with this, so we can continue” She backed away, into the left corner of the space. She became a silent observer while I went about wrestling a coiling anaconda in front of Her.

So it was up to me to heal myself, this time. I remember thinking “I’ll need support for this one” before, out of some unknown instinct, I reached both of my forearms upwards, as if reaching for the comfort of loved ones at a hospital bedside. Even as I did it I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing, but from deep inside me there was another long-ignored truth asserting itself: That there had always been two human spirits watching over me, throughout this life. In that moment, I ‘just knew it’. Amazingly and to my complete surprise, hands met mine at both sides and took hold, quite solidly! I even felt their forearms braced against my own, holding my arms steady. I was aware of a human presence on either side of me, both of whom had been so ever-present in my life that they didn’t feel ‘other’ in any way. I suppose my senses had long accepted them both as part of myself, much like internal organs.

So there I was, arms held steady by two nearby spirits. That’s when I sent out the most potent prayer of my life. With a focus of will I’d never before mustered, I began to recite the following sentence over and over in my heart “Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—. Please, save J—.”

You see, after parting-ways in mutual heartbreak, I’d worried that our relationship had somehow irreparably harmed J—, and that J— would somehow go on to suffer through life because of me. There had been so many tears, for so many months. There had been many insecurities reinforced and unhealthy complexes aggravated. To harm another being is one of my worst nightmares, so to have possibly done serious harm to my most beloved human was something beyond a nightmare and more like a hell. “Please, save J—.” I now addressed to the presence of mighty Mother Ayahuasca. “Please save J—“ I wasn’t asking, I was telling. “Please Save J—“ I dared to command a god that could snuff me out with a thought.

That was my price, if Mother Ayahuasca wanted to continue. “Please, save J—!”

I repeated the words in my mind with increasing intensity, until there was no room left for any other thought. As emotional power swelled from me, my eyes began to water and tears flowed over my cheeks and into my ears. Out of my heart spilled all of my love for J— and I channeled it, offered it up as fuel for my wish.

“Take it all” I willed.

“Take everything I have. Just save J—.”


Some sort of radiant ball of energy had grown inside my chest, so dense that it seemed to have a great weight. Then, with pure strength of will, I forced it to lift up into the air of the room above me. If my will could have arms, they were trembling, working with all the strain of lifting a boulder! Then, beyond the intense focus of my effort, I became aware that Mother Ayahuasca had moved again, as silently as ever. She was suddenly leaning over me and Her will projected a kind of keen interest in the energy-object I’d constructed … She seemed to find it beautiful. She seemed mesmerized and even impressed … Then Her face seemed to grow wide above me, like a massive portal, exposing that deep dimension of light within Her. I held my focus steady and only hoped my ‘prayer’ would be accepted. “Save J—”

To my great relief, I then felt the weight of this glowing ball of goodwill for J— lift from my keeping. It floated up into Mother’s gaping ‘mouth’. When it entered Her, the portal shrank around it as She seemed to swallow it whole.

Though I’ll never know for sure, the implication seemed clear: “Wish granted”!

Elated with relief and gratitude, my arms flopped to the ground. The spirits at my side had suddenly released their grip, and my will, along with all of my flesh, fell limp over the floor planks. Somehow it had taken quite some physical energy to perform what felt like a small miracle of healing, over those minutes, and I was suddenly exhausted!

As I melted over the mat to catch my breath, I sent out just one more humble request. Like a small ring of smoke puffed gently into the air I added “If there’s any juice left, please save me, too…


So there you have it. Another piece of healing from my first Ayahusca experience. Another example of the ways Ayahuasca can heal.

Just as I’ve written, I can never be sure if J— turned out ok. We raised so many complex and difficult emotions in each other that we had to say goodbye forever, so I couldn’t exactly give a phone call and ask “Hey, have you been suddenly-ok lately?”.

At the very least, that moment healed me from those lingering wounds. After a year of miserable guilt, concern, and self-loathing, after that night I was finally able to move forward with the certainty that J— would be taken care of, with all my love. J— will be blessed for life, if I have anything to say about it. And as it would turn out, 2 years later, I heard through the grapevine that J— was in a new relationship, and quite happy now.

(If you’re reading this J—. I’ll always remember your heart with a smile, and I’m happy for you. ‘Lelelelele!’)

Gracias, Madre.


Comments are closed.